The Trouble With Time Travel/Transcript
DISCLAIMER OOLONG: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to the androids flying through a snowy landscape) ANDROID 18: Seriously, can we speed this up? It's cold as tits up here. ANDROID 17: You know, maybe if you stopped whining and helped me look, we'd... Oh! Oh, look! There's one! There's... (sees it's a pink van with the words "LUCKY FOODS" written on the side) Actually, second thought, we don't have to steal the first one we see... ANDROID 18: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you over your welching. ANDROID 17: Ugh, whatever. (flies down) (cut to the owners of the van outside getting coffee) CHUCK: So, Jones, uh, how's the wife and kids? JONES: Still dead, Chuck. Been four months. CHUCK: Oh... I am terrible at small talk. JONES: Yes, you are. Huh? (notices the androids in front of the van) ANDROID 17: (opens the back of the van) Huh... Lucky Foods. Kind of ironic. JONES: Uh, young man? Need you to stay out of our van! ANDROID 17: All right, guys, we're takin' the van. (Android 16 picks up the van) No, buddy, we're gonna drive it. ANDROID 16: Oh. (puts the van back down) Sorry. ANDROID 17: It's cool. Now you have a place to sit. ANDROID 16: Affirmative. (gets inside the back of the van) Shotgun. ANDROID 17: Not quite what that means, but hey, keep tryin', man. (he gets inside the van alongside his sister and starts the engine) Bitchin'. Next stop: Casa de Goku. ANDROID 18: How 'bout no. New clothes first, Goku's casa second. ANDROID 17: *scoffs* Women. Am I right, 16? ANDROID 16: Confirmed. She is female. ANDROID 17: *laughs* She is... (the androids drive off) SEQUENCE (cut to Krillin, Trunks, and Tien flying in the sky) KRILLIN: You know, I should have brought this up earlier, but we should probably move Goku before the androids get to his house. TRUNKS: It's been pretty non-stop here, so I'm a little out of the loop. What happened to Goku? KRILLIN: Oh, uh, he didn't take his medicine. Grape flavored. Go figure. TRUNKS: Yeah... Go figure. TIEN: Actually, I really need to go pick up Chiaotzu. Left him over at Kame House. (cut to Kame House with Turtle, Master Roshi, and Oolong eating ramen) CHIAOTZU: So, how do you like my Chashu Ramen? OOLONG: Wow, that is frickin' tasty! What's in this? CHIAOTZU: Little bit of saké, soy sauce, bean sprouts, (looks at Oolong) pooooooooooooooooooooor...k... OOLONG: I'm delicious...! MASTER ROSHI: HOW OLD ARE YOU? (cut back to Tien and the others) TIEN: So I'm gonna go grab him before things get... weird. KRILLIN: Later, Tien! (Tien flies off in another direction) I can never read that guy. (Trunks and Krillin land in front of Goku's house) KRILLIN: Wait, before we go in, uh, I wanted to ask... You ever think that Android 18 is, uh, kind of... cute? TRUNKS: (gives Krillin a long stare) No. KRILLIN: All right, then-- dibs, by the way. Quick warning: be super-nice to Goku's wife. She can be a total-- (Chi-Chi flings open the door, smacking Krillin in the face) CHI-CHI: Gohan! Oh... It's you. KRILLIN: Yeah, fine, I pretty much asked for that one. (head starts swelling up) (Krillin Owned Count: 31) YAMCHA: Huh? Hey, guys! How it is? TRUNKS: Oh, uh, Yamcha, right? How's it hang-- I mean, how you doing? YAMCHA: Oh, you know. Hanging in there. TRUNKS: Ah... YAMCHA: So, what happened? Did Vegeta clean up the androids? KRILLIN: Not quite. (flashback of the androids defeating the Z-Fighters and Piccolo flying off) Turns out there were three more, Vegeta got his arms broken, they beat everyone up, Piccolo flipped out, and I got kissed by the cute one! YAMCHA: The clown? KRILLIN: No, no, no. There's a girl now. YAMCHA: I don't believe you. TRUNKS: You know, we should probably continue this conversation after we've moved Goku. YAMCHA: Move Goku? But he finally stopped screaming. (Goku is heard from the other room taking a deep breath) Okay, w-well, he's petering out. KRILLIN: We'll take him to Kame House! They'll never look for him there! YAMCHA: That is literally the second place they'll look. KRILLIN: Look, we're short on time and options. And who knows what those dastardly androids are doing? (cut to Android 17 and 18 standing outside the van as a police car comes up and stops next to the van with two policemen coming out) ANDROID 18: Wow. You actually pulled over. ANDROID 17: No, no, no, this is gonna be great. Shut up. TEX: You two-- this vehicle has been reported as stolen! You are under arrest! (places handcuffs on the androids) AVERY: Sir, I have checked the vehicle and I have identified another male. And he is f**king big! ANDROID 16: You cannot sit in the back. I called shotgun. AVERY: He has a weapon! TEX: Cuff him! (handcuffs Android 16 who promptly snaps them apart like a twig) AVERY: Do we have any bigger, stronger cuffs? TEX: Yeah, they're in the car! (Android 18 picks up the police car and throws it at a cliff, blowing it up) ANDROID 18: (snaps the handcuffs apart) All right, I take it back. This is fun. (cut back to the others at Goku's house preparing to take refuge from the approching androids at Kame House) YAMCHA: So where's Vegeta during all this anyway? KRILLIN: Oh, I'm sure he's off somewhere... (cut to Vegeta) VEGETA: GODDAMN IT! SHIIIIIIII... (destroys the mountains he's standing on) (cut back to the others now inside the plane) KRILLIN: ...coping. CHI-CHI: (sees Gohan coming from the sky) Gohan! GOHAN: (thinking) Oh, good... CHI-CHI: (runs up and hugs Gohan) Oh, I swear, I am never letting you get away from me again! We're gonna get that GPS tracking chip installed in your neck by the end of the week! GOHAN: Uh, little help? KRILLIN: Androids are comin'! Gotta move your dad! Get on the ship! GOHAN: Where are we going? KRILLIN: Kame House. GOHAN: Isn't that literally the second place they'll look? KRILLIN: Less lip, more ship! (cut to outside Kame House where Tien arrives and opens the front door and everyone shuts up) TIEN: I'm here for Chiaotzu. We need to train. CHIAOTZU: But Tien... the doctor said if your shoulders get any bigger-- TIEN: That's why we don't see him anymore. MASTER ROSHI: Wait, so you didn't beat the androids? TIEN: Well, they broke both of Vegeta's arms... So, you know, that was pretty fun. Otherwise, it was a total wash. (he and Chiaotzu take off) OOLONG: I can never read that guy. MASTER ROSHI: Well, you heard the man. Pig, fetch my laptop. We're gonna buy us a submarine! OOLONG: All right, but you're not allowed to name it after your junk. MASTER ROSHI: Bitch, I'm buyin' it, I'm namin' it! (cut to Piccolo, Kami, and Mr. Popo on the lookout with Popo being heard whimpering) KAMI: Mmm... PICCOLO: Hmm? KAMI: Hmm? PICCOLO: Hmm? KAMI: Hm-mm! PICCOLO: Mmm! (stands up) KAMI: Hmm. PICCOLO: Mmm. (sits back down) NAIL: ''(annoyed)'' (Oh, just fuse already!!) (cut to the others flying inside a plane) YAMCHA: So, both arms, huh? KRILLIN: Both! She was beautiful with a capital B-- I-I mean, brutal! Uncomfortably brutal! I wasn't distracted by her eyes... GOHAN: So, wait... Trunks, I'm curious. If you came back in time again to help us, does that mean we already failed? TRUNKS: Actually, turns out that's not how time travel works. KRILLIN: So you're saying I can't just take your time machine, go back in time, and tell myself not to date Maron? TRUNKS: I don't know who that is. But no, you couldn't. I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be the same you. You see, when I travel back to the past, I'm technically going to a different universe... GOHAN: Oh, you mean multiverse theory? TRUNKS: Wait, what? GOHAN: Yeah. (cuts to a chalkboard and it shows what Gohan is explaining) ''With every decision, it creates a branch in the timeline. Whenever you travel back in time, you're actually entering another parallel universe. '''TRUNKS:' How could you possibly--? GOHAN: I've been studying theoretical physics. Although, at this point, I guess it's just physics. CHI-CHI: Good. Then if that's all out of the way, we can start your review on cellular biology! GOHAN: Aw, but cells are boring! YAMCHA: I don't get it. If it doesn't affect your timeline, why even come back to ours and tell us anything in the first place? TRUNKS: Well, besides wanting to make at least one timeline without the world being destroyed... my mother didn't tell me until after I'd already done it once. KRILLIN: (in a singsong voice) And then she tried to bang you... (phone suddenly starts ringing with the call being from Bulma with a country ringtone) TRUNKS: Huh? KRILLIN: Oh, speak of the devil, that's her ringtone. TRUNKS: What is that? YAMCHA: What is what? TRUNKS: This music. KRILLIN: You mean country music? TRUNKS: Oh! This is country music? KRILLIN: What, you don't have country in the future? TRUNKS: No. Shortly after I was born, it all just vanished. Nobody knows exactly what happened... YAMCHA: So, someone wanna get that? Kind of flying the plane! KRILLIN: Oh, fine. (answers the phone) Krillin spea-- BULMA: Shut up, I've got some important news. KRILLIN: Good or bad news? BULMA: It depends... Is Trunks there? KRILLIN: Is this a booty call? BULMA: KRILLIN! KRILLIN: Right behind me! TRUNKS: Hi, Mom. BULMA: Hey... (an awkward silence occurs between the two, which suddenly gets broken down by a gunshot on Bulma's side of the phone shocking Krillin and Trunks) YAJIROBE: (through the phone) You missed me, four eyes! (cut to an outside shot of Bulma's place) DR. BRIEFS: (heard from inside the house) That was a warning shot, fatass! Now put down the fridge! (cut back to the others inside the plane) YAJIROBE: (through the phone) Viva la Honey French Ham! (three more gunshots are heard) BULMA: Yeah... Anyway, I just got the strangest call from some farmer in the countryside 50 miles out of Ginger Town; said he found one of our vehicles out there. KRILLIN: Wow, this is so interesting. Does it have anything to do with the androids we're fighting? BULMA: Shut up and it might. I'm faxing over the picture he took. KRILLIN: You have a fax machine? TRUNKS: What's a fax machine? KRILLIN: You see, that one makes sense. BULMA: Just shut up and show it to Trunks! (faxes over a picture to the others inside the plane) TRUNKS: (looks at the picture) What? No, this can't be right! This is my time machine! KRILLIN: Maybe you misplaced it. TRUNKS: That's impossible! I put it away in its capsule! GOHAN: Are you sure? TRUNKS: Of course I'm sure! Here, just let me show you. KRILLIN: Wait, no! (Trunks pushes a button on his capsule) (cut an outside shot of the plane, which loses its balance due to the weight of Trunks' time machine which causes Chi-Chi to scream) TRUNKS: Oh, no...! KRILLIN: Oh, my God! YAMCHA: It's on top of Goku! GOHAN: Dad! KRILLIN: Put it back! Put it back! Put it back! (Goku begins to scream in agony) YAMCHA: Oh good, that's back... SEQUENCE STINGER (cut to the androids driving on a highway) ANDROID 18: So, I've been thinking about it... What do we do after we kill Goku? ANDROID 17: Whatever the hell we want. Who's gonna stop us? ANDROID 16: Not Goku. ANDROID 17: Exactly. Speaking of which, 16, what's our ETA? ANDROID 16: We are currently 2,544 miles from our destination. ANDROID 18: Oh, my God... ANDROID 17: Hey, come on, sis, it ain't so bad. Let's turn on our good old friend the radio. (turns on the radio which plays a country music version of "Cat Loves Food") ANDROID 18: Oh, that is ten pounds of nope in a five pound bag! ANDROID 17: Right, right, sorry... Forgot we were out in the sticks. ANDROID 18: You know what? I think I know the first thing we're gonna do...